Commit or quit

Another race another failure.
The fact of the matter is that am not committed enough to make the grade. It is hard to admit but it is the ultimate truth. My performances over the last last few years have got worse and worse. I used to aim for an average of ten kilometres a day so that my year's total would be 3650km. But in the last year it has not been above 2700.

Over the past few years, I have read loads on training, both mental and physical and nothing really works. Nothing gets deep down inside me that gets me up to the level of training that got me that marvelous finish at Spartathlon.

I have tried to kid myself in lots of ways. So many ways.

The list of stuff I have read is endless
The chimp paradox
The inner critic
The obesity code
The lore of  running
Ultramarathon man
Running and stuff​
Burn the fat feed the muscle
Our natural diet
Buddhism
Mindfulness

I have kept a daily dairy and written blogs.
I have contributed to running magazines such as Like the wind and Ultra and the odd book. I have starred in a film on Spartathlon and given talks on running.

I have been an active participant on the Ultra Running Community Facebook page. I have  assisted the British Spartathlon Team in bringing them together and sorting their kit out in for the last two years and will do so again this year. I even assisted Alex KM on his trans Europe run.

I know several race directors and top ultra runners on a personal level. I have chatted endlessly with them trying to find that missing  je ne sais quoi.

I have read stuff on diets, paelo, low fat high carb, high fat low carb, vegetarianism. I have talked to more  nutritionist​s then I care to admit...they are an odd bunch. I think more bollox is written about nutrition than any other subject than is saying something from a guy interested in politics, philosophy and economics.

I have been tested this way and that. I had bloods taken. Had  more than a few endoscopy and colonoscopies done and let me tell you evacuating your digestive system and have camera rammed up your arse and down your throat is not as much fun as you might think.

I have been to a heart specialist and had heart ultrasounds, ecgs and even done running tests in laboratory conditions.

No one has found anything remarkable about me other than my low resting heart rate, which is under forty beats minute, and low iron levels. They have no clue why the iron level is so low which is more than a little worrying.

I have even focused on friends who can no longer run and tried to use that as a motivational thing. I owe them more of an apology for this self pitying drivel than I can express in words on a written page.

Nothing seems to work anymore. I keep searching for a magic pill that does not exist.

I can't in all honesty say that I will be ready for spartathlon or any other race this year. So I have withdrawn.

I have one more commitment this year and then that's it for a while. I would like to say it has been fun, but it stopped being that a while ago.

I am just tired of training and failing. Of spending time away from my family at races that never deliver the results I want.

Time for a break.

PS this is not a plea for help, so don't try. I have to fix this myself.